Us, too! So we turned to Carrie* for answers to life's big questions. She helped us - and she's here to help you, too.
A few people have started dating and it's new to everyone. If someone asks me out who I just do not want to go out with, I'm not sure what to do. Should I go to be nice to them, or should I just say no. And if I choose to say no, how can I tell them nicely?
Carrie: Some middle school
girls I know have relationships with guys or girls that
are deeper than friendships and include romantic feelings.
Others "go out" with people but barely know them or even
talk to them. Special or romantic relationships emerge
out of friendships. They do not materialize out of thin
air. So, if a friendship you already have seems like it
has some extra sparkle and you want to explore it further,
then you have to decide if you are ready to be close with
someone this way. The down side is that when you open
yourself more deeply to someone, the potential of getting
more deeply hurt increases. So go slowly and honor your
boundaries. To answer your question, "going out" with
someone in an attempt to get to know them better makes
sense if you are sincere. "Going out" to avoid hurting
someone's feelings or to look cool is bound to backfire.
You can always tell them that you'd like to get to know them
better for now and you can see what happens from there.
I have a dream for myself that I could be a published writer. I want to pursue that dream. My Mom doesn't think it is such a good idea, and she wants me to "just keep writing in my journal" and focusing on "real" schoolwork. Do you have any advice for me?
Carrie: Dare to dream! Adolescence can be the most creative time of your life. If you love art or writing, find opportunities to express and learn about your craft. Go to a writing or painting workshop/class. Find older students or teachers to learn from. You might even be able to get published in a blog, ezine, school or local newspaper. If you work hard, it can happen.
But try not to get caught up in making a life plan right now. If your passion persists, then it will be a no-brainer to study it further in high school or college. For now, let your passion fires burn but also keep track of your academic, family and social responsibilities. When it comes to your Mom not supporting your passion, remember: YOUR actions speak louder than words. So rather than spending your energy trying to convince others about what's important to you, just live it! Be your true self and work hard at the things you love. When you do, I suspect that your creative gifts will be honored.
The Bottom line: Pursue what you love, but don't neglect other things that are important or can open doors for you down the road (like schoolwork). When you do, your CAN have it all.
The Bottom line: Pursue what you love, but don't neglect other things that are important or can open doors for you down the road (like schoolwork). When you do, your CAN have it all.
My Mom keeps telling me that I need to love myself "just the way I am." But it's not that easy when I don't always feel good about myself. HELP!
Carrie: The first thing to ask yourself is this: what outside factors are increasing your negative thoughts and feelings about yourself? Are they inspired by things people have said? Skills that are challenging to master? Conflicts in your family or any other problems in your life? The first step is to get clear about where your feelings about not being ‘good enough’ are coming from. The second step is to get real about your expectations of yourself. Remember, you only have the power to change YOU. So, if these feelings are coming from not living up to some personal expectations, then make a plan about how to make positives changes. For instance, study for five extra minutes a day to improve a particular grade, or to learn a new skill that you've always wanted to master.
If these feelings are coming from being around certain people who make you doubt yourself, then experiment with hanging out with other groups or friends to see if you feel differently. Remember, you are awesome and you deserve to be around people who KNOW you are awesome. Learning to surround yourself with those who make you feel good, happy and appreciated is important for you now (and it will still matter when you are an adult).
What really matters: Knowing that ALL of us sometimes feel like we aren't "good enough." Negative or difficult feelings are part of being alive. Allow yourself to feel self-doubt but don't allow it to get you down - because you are bigger and better than your feelings at any one moment.
A REQUEST: I would love to hear if my "Ask Carrie" column is helpful to you. So drop me a line to let me know! I can’t wait to hear from you. cwicks@artspeaksconsulting.com
If these feelings are coming from being around certain people who make you doubt yourself, then experiment with hanging out with other groups or friends to see if you feel differently. Remember, you are awesome and you deserve to be around people who KNOW you are awesome. Learning to surround yourself with those who make you feel good, happy and appreciated is important for you now (and it will still matter when you are an adult).
What really matters: Knowing that ALL of us sometimes feel like we aren't "good enough." Negative or difficult feelings are part of being alive. Allow yourself to feel self-doubt but don't allow it to get you down - because you are bigger and better than your feelings at any one moment.
A REQUEST: I would love to hear if my "Ask Carrie" column is helpful to you. So drop me a line to let me know! I can’t wait to hear from you. cwicks@artspeaksconsulting.com
What do I do if someone bullies me or is mean to me?
Carrie: First of all, you should know you are not alone. Lots of amazing women – including singer Taylor Swift, model Tyra Banks, and actress Kate Winslet, – tell us they were bullied when they were younger. That doesn't make it OK. It just means that other super-fierce girls (like you!) have gone through this.
Bullying can take many forms but no matter what it is hurtful, confusing and embarrassing. Bullies are often victims of bullying themselves – someone treated them badly so now they are treating you badly. Regardless of the bully's story, remember that their mean or angry behavior is not necessarily about you.
Don't give them your power by engaging in the fight or putting the bullier down (you are too awesome to stoop to their level). If someone tries to bully you, don't be afraid to say "What you're doing is not cool." Speak clearly and hold your ground. You can also change the subject or "get distracted" and walk away from the bully and the group. The most important thing to do is to focus on making other friends – friends who treat you like the great girl you are.
IMPORTANT:
Don't be afraid to share your problem with a grownup who can help you figure out how to deal with people who bully you or are mean. If you ever feel afraid, tell a teacher or parent right away.
Bullying can take many forms but no matter what it is hurtful, confusing and embarrassing. Bullies are often victims of bullying themselves – someone treated them badly so now they are treating you badly. Regardless of the bully's story, remember that their mean or angry behavior is not necessarily about you.
Don't give them your power by engaging in the fight or putting the bullier down (you are too awesome to stoop to their level). If someone tries to bully you, don't be afraid to say "What you're doing is not cool." Speak clearly and hold your ground. You can also change the subject or "get distracted" and walk away from the bully and the group. The most important thing to do is to focus on making other friends – friends who treat you like the great girl you are.
IMPORTANT:
Don't be afraid to share your problem with a grownup who can help you figure out how to deal with people who bully you or are mean. If you ever feel afraid, tell a teacher or parent right away.
What do I do if a good friend suddenly turns on me and starts to exclude me?
Carrie: All of us want to fit in and no one likes to feel left out! But DON'T jump to conclusions. Sometimes your BFF might be acting out because of things going on at home. Also, remember that tween and teen girls are always changing and growing (that includes you!). Sometimes all of us will feel closer to one friend, and not another. That's OK.
One way to avoid feeling left out is to have more than one BFF. Try not to become "exclusive" with any one person – there are lots of great girls to get to know. It's cool to explore different parts of yourself, and new friends can help you do that.
If a friend does turn on you (and yes, it's happened to all of us), take some time to feel sad about it. If you want to talk about it with that friend, let them know that you see that things between you have changed, but don't be angry or defensive. If this person is worthy of your friendship, they will keep the door open for you. If they can't or don't, don't hold a grudge or gossip about them. You are amazing and that means amazing new friends are around the corner!
One way to avoid feeling left out is to have more than one BFF. Try not to become "exclusive" with any one person – there are lots of great girls to get to know. It's cool to explore different parts of yourself, and new friends can help you do that.
If a friend does turn on you (and yes, it's happened to all of us), take some time to feel sad about it. If you want to talk about it with that friend, let them know that you see that things between you have changed, but don't be angry or defensive. If this person is worthy of your friendship, they will keep the door open for you. If they can't or don't, don't hold a grudge or gossip about them. You are amazing and that means amazing new friends are around the corner!
What do I do if my friend is being mean and I'm afraid to tell her to stop?
Carrie: It really depends on what
your friend is doing that is "mean." I define bullying as
purposeful and repeated mean actions that are meant to hurt.
The first thing for you to know is that bullying is never OK.
But in figuring out how to handle things, it is important to
determine if your friend is being mean deliberately and repeatedly.
If this is a repeated action, talk to a trusted adult and get some
support on how to handle the situation. You are welcome to email
me if you want to discuss it further.
If your friend is mean once in a while, and it is a friendship you want to preserve, then I encourage you to have a conversation with her about "boundaries." You can say, "I don't really like it when you make fun of my clothes," or any other example that applies to you. Do your best to say it simply and without judgment. If your friend gets defensive, don't take back what you said, - stand your ground firmly. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, and sometimes you will need to ask for that respect!
Helpful Hint:
Practice expressing your boundaries about "little things" so that it becomes a regular part of how you communicate with friends and peers. Standing up for yourself is a "skill" you will never outgrow!
If your friend is mean once in a while, and it is a friendship you want to preserve, then I encourage you to have a conversation with her about "boundaries." You can say, "I don't really like it when you make fun of my clothes," or any other example that applies to you. Do your best to say it simply and without judgment. If your friend gets defensive, don't take back what you said, - stand your ground firmly. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, and sometimes you will need to ask for that respect!
Helpful Hint:
Practice expressing your boundaries about "little things" so that it becomes a regular part of how you communicate with friends and peers. Standing up for yourself is a "skill" you will never outgrow!
Carrie Wicks, MA, ATR is a Clinical Art Therapist and Family Consultant who works in private practice in Petaluma, CA. She brings together practical advice, creative explorations of the individual's life experience and a compassionate understanding of what it is like to grow up in this crazy culture. For more information about her work or to contact her, go to: artspeaksconsulting.com
